#2 Ping Pong

Chileans are serious about their sports. It is almost illegal to jog outside if you are not wearing a jersey from a marathon or another distance race of 5K or longer. In Santiago, they have an entire mall dedicated to sports - appropriately named Mall Sport, equipped with a rock climbing wall and skate park. I think it's safe to say that Chileans are fanatics for the outdoors. And this is without discussing the issue of futbol, which would constitute for a whole post by itself. 

So in a country where you can catch some monolithic waves in beaches like Pichilemu (er, used to), ski downhill at unfathomable speeds in Portillo, or trek for days with a backpack in Patagonia, imagine my surprise when I found another athletic "P" that Chileans enjoy partaking in: PING PONG. There are tables everywhere - indoors, and out, with Chileans playing all. The. Time.

It's not so much that ping pong doesn't seem as physically demanding as everything else Chile has to offer. I just didn't know that ping pong was a recognized form of recreation outside of Asia. Really, I thought that beyond the continent of all things chopsticks, table tennis was just the stuff of legend seen outside panda-land in "Forrest Gump." Who knew?


Let me explain. There is a reason why Asians are good at the "weird sports" like badminton and table tennis. Because these sports don't require us to be the fastest - we don't have lions in our backyards to run from on a regular basis like those marathon-ing Kenyans, the tallest - Yao Ming is not a normal occurrence in our culture, or the strongest - why do you think so many of us go into engineering and medicine? (The answer is because all the labor is mental, not physical). In encyclopedias and academic journals, the correct way to describe Asians is "agile." For once, not being the size of a small eucalyptus has its advantage: we don't have as much body weight so we can be quick on our feet.


What does this have to do with Chileans and ping pong? Well. Despite the fact that South Americans are always complaining about how their culture is so different than that of Chinese people, they are actually more like them than they realize. First, there are more Chinese restaurants throughout Santiago than there are Chinese people in the entire Chilean nation - even though people feel like eating Chinese food makes them Chinese, that's a myth, but it's a good start. And while we're talking about food, let's admit it: the empanada might as well be the same thing as a Chinese dumpling. Just bigger. And drier. And maybe not as delicious, but "A" for effort. Second, Chileans understand what it means to have been terrorized by a dictatorship. It is common knowledge that political duress leads to ping pong prowess. Third, Chileans have a similar build to Chinese people. And when I say "build," I mean "height." That's all.


In conclusion, except for the fact that Chileans speak Spanish, did not invent paper, can have more than one child at a time, have not won as many Olympic gold medals, have an entire aisle dedicated to yogurt in the grocery store, and recognize that women can be heads of state, Chileans are pretty much Chinese, so that means they are good at ping pong. Obvio.

#1 Walking

When I step outside onto the streets of Santiago, what is one of the first things I see? Chileans walking. Walking with their [girl/boy]friends, walking with strollers, walking with their dogs, walking with their cigarettes - the point is, Chileans love walking. Reaching their destination by foot is a preferred method for those who do not live near the subway, want to partake in a little physical exercise, or simply love to disfrutarse in the natural beauty created by the Lord Almighty.

But what else do Chileans love about walking? Walking in the middle of the sidewalk, walking with no purpose at a speed in which their bodies are almost propelling themselves backwards, and walking simply without giving a mierda about anyone or anything else. To help our readers understand this debilitating problem crippling the country, let's take this apart piece by piece.

Walking in the middle of the sidewalk. Despite the fact that most sidewalks are designed for two or more people, Chileans usually like to play for both teams and be on both the left and right sides. This territorialism may stem from as early back as the War of the Pacific from 1879-1884, when Chile eventually won territorial rights from Peru and Bolivia, both of which are now bitter enemies of the republic. The fact that Chileans had to fight tooth and nail for so long has most likely led her good people to be wary of other people that may possibly be taking their space. In this case, it is the sidewalk. For this reason, Chileans usually hover in the center, refusing to "let go" of either side of the walking space.

Walking at a speed in which their bodies are almost propelling themselves backwards. Usually, walking is the selected form of transportation (as opposed to the bus or subway) when Chileans need to get from point A to point B with few time constraints. The Chilean concept of "time constraint" in reality means "there is nothing better to do so I will instead walk. And to kill the time, I will take as long as humanly possible to get there." Unfortunately, there is no other explanation for this blight that has taken over the western South American coast.

Walking simply without giving a mierda about anyone or anything else. It has long been common knowledge that lower-class Chileans want to be in the middle class, middle-class Chileans want to be in the upper class, and upper-class Chileans want to be European. In fact, this can be well noted in the fact that Chile has a relatively large Italian and German population. German desserts are not uncommon, Spanish Zara is a well-recognized brand, Italy's flag is represented in a hot dog, and French wine influences are clearly here to stay in the country. What else do Chileans have to thank the Europeans for? Self confidence. Although most of the time we would call this "believing in yourself," here in Chile, when applied to self transportation by means of two legs, this equates to "being better than everyone else," a fierce defense of the territorialism as discussed previously.

In conclusion, the best way to avoid any of the above situations is to just not walk and rely on the bus and the subway. This pretty much means, not taking the most physically beneficial way of arriving at one's destination. We like to call this "Being American."